Adventures in Humility

News, Views, and Chews on spiritual issues.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

I heard the sound of kirtan..

Last night I decided to listen to some kirtan as I fell asleep. I don't know why, it's been sooooo long since I heard some good kirtan. I don't have many CDs or tapes of it and the ones that I do have are not very good quality. But this particular tape I just developed a craving to listen to.

I usually go to sleep with a pair of headphones around my ears listening to something, usually rock music, to help me sleep but for some reaon lastnight I really felt like kirtan to "hit the spot".

Oh wow! So many memories came flooding back, it's really been sooooo long since I picked up a spiritual text and dived into it's cool waters, so long since I've spoken to any devotees, so long since I've heard any kirtan. As I was hearing it, I felt like dancing. Yes, it is good to dance while enraptured in the joy of premanand. Most of all there was a distinct twanging in my heart, I really miss Gaurasundara.

It sounds so awkward when you try to explain to people that you havent been around for a while because you've been caught up in studies and personal projects, so much so that you haven't had time to spend a few minutes every day meditating on some verse or so. But hey, at least I'm being honest. The funny thing was that, as I listened to the tape, it really felt like I had a mound of riches right in front of me that I couldn't touch at all. Remember the example Sri Rupa Gosvami gave about the jaundiced tongue not being able to appreciate the Holy Name? I felt like that.

Did I mention that I missed my Gaurasundara? Can you imagine how much torture it is to stand on the edge of a diving board, in your swimming shorts and ready to dive, but not being able to? I felt like that. Sri Gauranga Mahaprabhu - His life and love is like a deep ocean that anyone would be happy to drown in. I couldn't believe that I felt like this. It's still there. Even after so long, it's still there. He never left me, He was always there. He's still there with His arms open, waiting for me to clasp Him in a running embrace.

The story of the Prodigal Son is a good comparison here. Was I really being prodigal though? What I've been upto, does it count as being prodigal? I didn't pay much attention to spiritual thoughts or texts and I haven't had the time nor inclination to associate with devotees, is that some sort of aparadha? Does it really count as a dark night of the soul? I kept up my deity worship and my japa, isn't that really enough if I was forced to go it alone anyway?

Hey, who cares. My Gaurasundara loves me, and I love Him back. That's all I needed to know.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some dancing to catch up on.

1 Comments:

  • At 13 May, 2006 09:40, Anonymous Gateen said…

    Hare Krishna Prabhu,

    Nice blog, and I especially like this entry as I can relate to it quite well.

    Lately I've made a habit of going to sleep while listening to some kirtan or bhajan. My personal choices are HH Visnujana Swami singing Kabe Habe Bolo or Srila Prabhupada singing Hari Haraye Namah Krsna (the version where you can hear him crying half way through).

    I'm a somewhat regular at the Manor, so perhaps I have seen you around. I too haven't been associating with devotees as much as I should do and I think I am starting to feel the effects.

    Hare Krishna :)

     

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