Adventures in Humility

News, Views, and Chews on spiritual issues.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Not A Lot

I'm aware that I haven't been updating this blog as much lately, though I suppose that's my own fault of course. Much of my time has been taken up in university studies and other side-projects, so much so that my spiritual readings is almost nil! A far cry from where I was about a year ago!

Although I do get to snatch bits and pieces from this scripture or that to keep me going, there's no denying that I find my current circumstances shameful. I have been bereft of Vaishnava association for so long, as well as the association of shastra. The only thing basically keeping me going is my own japa and meditation on Mahaprabhu's Golden Lotus Feet, which I cannot live without.

In any case, I haven't been to Vilasa-Kunja for MONTHS! I mainly post on Gaudiya-Repercussions every couple of days or so just for some light entertainment with some old friends, but it is still a far cry from pure and unadulterated association with strict Vaishnavas like GD used to be. I have noticed that the Gaudiya Wiki Kutir has been opened recently. I think it's great, the idea that formulated last year in Braja's mind has finally borne fruit and it looks like it will be a resounding success. For possibly the first time, there will be an Internet resource of GV philosophy just as Mahaprabhu left it. :-) Very happy about it.

I want to go to Navadvipa. That desire has been burning in my heart for nearly two years now. Burning burning, consuming me. I also want to have a respectful bath in Radha-kunda. Is that allowed? I'm not sure. There's so much I don't know.

I have a few chips on my shoulder about "Vaishnava association" that I may write about here in the coming days or weeks, some issues that have long been on my mind but rarely found expression, that have become especially poignant recently. In any case, I definitely need to keep reading to Caitanya-bhagavata just to satisfy my soul of it's constant and eternal yearning to be in Mahaprabhu's divine presence. Trust me, I have a few things that I want to talk to Him about such as this Vaishnava-sanga business. It's really quite saddening and I don't know how to resolve this with my own meagre knowledge of Vaishnava principles. The way it's left me feeling is "neither here nor there" and this is troubling to me. Nobody in all these months has ever sent me an email or anything asking "how are you" or anything like that.

Oh well, that is the way of this self-interested world. I never thought that it would affect the mentality of Vaishnavas but then I suppose this is the price you have to pay when you live in Kali-yuga. It's especially painful when you get a long knife driven deep into your back though. I don't think I'm ever gonna get over that. It's too painful to even think about. I didn't even intend to write any of this, but yet it's coming through. Perhaps this is prove that I need to write on this blog as a way of examining my own perceptions about spiritual issues as well as those issues that directly affect me such as malevolent "Vaishnava" association with all of it's back-stabbing.

And if you think that I can face Mahaprabhu dripping with blood, you have got to be kidding me!


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