Birthday Blues

Another birthday comes and goes. For me, it is really THE most loneliest day in the year, and this one was no different to any of the others. Why? Why because, it's been a little different what with Dad's accident and all, having to take care of him which I don't mind doing of course, but heck, you'd think that some people might actually remember it and actually wish you or something, even when it becomes public knowledge.

Well it was nice of them to call from Sri Lanka to wish me, but I guess it doesn't mean as much when you have no one around to celebrate with. I wanted to talk about how worried I am about depression. Prolonged depression can kill according to the latest scientific studies. It has a stressful effect on the heart and can probably be an indirect cause of heart disease, as I read on BBC health some time ago. So um, I've been feeling like this for around 3 months now and this has GOT to stop or I'll end up freaking out on the street or something.

It's almost like my entire soul seems to be filled with poison. I don't know how else to describe it. I either feel just very vacant or empty, and at other times I just feel consumed by bitterness, anger and hatred. Consumed by poison.

It's like when I close my eyes, I can actually feel the loneliness surrounding me, choking and suffocating me. Or at least my senses seem to sink within myself and become dull. A pessimistic attitude tints my vision and I cannot seem to understand other people's emotions except mine. Yes, I may laugh at comedies but usually only at the sarcastic jokes, which seem to be an extension of the frustration and bitterness in my soul. It's like I am just aimless these days, going along no particular direction.

It is something that I had perhaps get used to. It's probably likely that I will end up a bitter twisted old man and I should look forward to that and embrace it. It's looking unreasonable to expect anything else.

I started thinking again about the 'guhyam AkhyAti pRcchati' clause in Upadeshamrit. In a translation file of Madhava's, he translates it as "revealing to devotees one’s confidential realisations concerning bhajana [and] inquiring from them about their confidential realisations". Well this may be so but I cannot bring myself to believe that this is the sum total of Rupa Gosvami's intention. Where is 'bhajan' mentioned in the original text? Is it mentioned in a commentary? In any case, what about social relationships with fellow Vaishnavas? What about friendship, companionship and general fraternity? Isn't it so that belonging to a community of "Vaishnavas" the existence of a bond of sorts? Isn't this why there are so many "social" custioms in rlation to "spiritual" duties such as the taking of prasada with fellow Vaishnavas?

Well in any case, I've heard much about "Vaishnava friendships" and the like, and I'm not sure if it even exists purely until people learn to CLEAN themselves off all the dross that they've acquired over several lifetimes. They say that habits are hard to break whereas I just wonder why they even continue to exist. This is a theme I need to return to in the future as I ponder it.

Well my mood kind of lifted a little when I picked up CB. There is something inexpressibly sweet about Gaura-lila. I have no idea what it is, but after I finished my reading I felt better and more happier. The depression is still very much there though. I guess I should dive more into Gaura-lila so that I don't end up drowning in an ocean of sorrows. I still feel bad.

It was only after I put the book down when I realised that I had just read about Sriman Mahaprabhu's janma-lila on my own birthday. What fascinating coincidence. It cheered me up a little for a while.